Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Remembering my sons today

Most people look forward to celebrating their children's 2nd birthday.  They plan parties, send out invitations, and think of decorations.  They buy gifts and think about the milestones that have happened in the past two years.  As a mother without her children, thinking of my boys' second birthday isn't a happy time for me.  I don't get to plan parties, buy gifts, or share photos of how my boys have grown.  I don't get to go onto Facebook and post videos of my family and friends singing Happy Birthday to my kids.  Instead, I sit here, remembering July 1st of 2012.  The day my world shattered.  The day time stood still.  The day I lost my precious twin sons, Liam & Colin.  

Our boys were born prematurely at 20 weeks and passed away shortly after.  We had no warning.  We were told just days before at our first ultrasound that they were doing great...growing and looking healthy.  We didn't even know there were two until that ultrasound, and it was such a shock and a joy all at once!  I wish I could think back on their birthday as a peaceful day...find some joy in it to cling to.  For me, it was a hellish, nightmare of a day that I will never forget.  No mother ever wants to think of their children's birthday in that way.

I try not to dwell on their birth and passing.  I think about the five months they were with me.  I remember finding out that I was pregnant, and how blissfully happy Chris and I were that day.  I remember hearing their heartbeats, and thinking it was magical that heartbeats could be that fast!  I remember the morning sickness that would come and go randomly throughout the days, and how I kept thinking it would pass at some point...when it lasted all the way up until the day they were born.  They traveled with me to Michigan, to Ohio, even to California.  I said "Good Morning!" to them every day and "Good Night" every night.  I remember feeling them move for the first time, like butterflies in my stomach.  I remember being the happiest pregnant woman on the planet!  Every day, I was so thankful to be pregnant after enduring three years of negative pregnancy tests and failed fertility treatments.  I remember my wonderful midwife, Michelle, and how she was always there to answer questions and to reassure me.  I remember coming to Ohio and looking at apartments with Chris and thinking of where we would all live together.  These happy memories are the things I cling to now.  They are the things I want to remember always.  Never forgetting my time with my sweet boys.

In these past two years, my husband and I have endured much, but have remained ever so close.  

There are no words to describe how much I miss my sons.  Those who have lost babies truly understand, and those who haven't, well, I'm thankful you don't understand completely.  I've been grateful for the support we have received from family, friends, and others.  

There isn't a day that passes in which I don't think about Liam & Colin and wish that they were still here with us.  

Liam & Colin Beck~ Forever in our Hearts
Larkspur--July Birth Flower

3 comments:

  1. You and Chris are in my thoughts. I thought of you yesterday, as I knew that today was the birthday. Sending strength and healing thoughts.

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  2. Love you. A lovely tribute to Liam and Colin and the time you had with them. Maman

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